search for purpose

"everything happens for a reason"

"i go with the flow, where ever the wind takes me"

these are ways that some people define themselves. if you are to ask them who are you? or what are you like? this is what they say.. you know what i say to that.. STUPID!!

do you not know who you are on a deeper level? i feel that that question.. "who are you?" should be easy to answer, if you really care about more than what people see. sure there are times that you go through dry spells where you don't know where you are in life, but if you are still pursuing to find the answer then that's fine. its when you don't care anymore about who you are and where you are going and when you do things that affect yourself that you don't care about that makes me shed a tear.

the past months have been tough for me. i've struggled with this question of who the hell i am several times for weeks at times. i've wanted to give up so often, but for me finding the answer is what is keeping me alive and pushing to continue to search for me. i've met many people who have this assumption of who i am. i go to a private college, so i must have money. its a christian university, so i must be a christian. i'm not poor or living on the street, so i must be happy. i'm not in jail, so i must be a good person. its people like this that make me so frustrated with where i am, people that make these damn assumptions that my life should always be good and happy and if there is a hint of doubt, thought of pain, or dream of sorrow that i need to knock it off. bullshit! if you don't know or see pain you will never know how true and special happyness truly is.

let this clear your slate when you think of me. erase all the thoughts you have about me and if you really wanna know what i'm thinking be vulnerable and open your eyes away from judgement and to understanding. i don't want empathy. i don't want you to tell me that "everything will be ok" or "recognizing is the first step". i just want you to try to understand where my position is and not to expect me to always put a smile on your face, because some of these days i'm going to fail you, as you have failed me.

to find yourself you need to find a purpose that you wish to live your life by. not by what your family thinks you should live like, or anyone else. search for yourself. don't worry about being selfish right now because its your life when it all comes down to it and if you ain't satisfied with how its going then ONLY you will feel the pain and see the darkness of the whole. search for this and in turn you will find more about who you are than you could have ever imagined.