Word Vomit

its funny how at times it can be so difficult to get yourself to do something proactive for yourself. i've been meaning to write. no i have been writing. its like i keep a journal in my head, yet even after i jot it down i forget what i just said 5 minutes ago. i was at a concert tonight. a small one for a guy at my school, an amazing artist with a great stage personality, but its more than that. its almost like school is his stage and when he is playing he is what he seems to be. a true poet bleeding out his heart. it really inspired me to stop the chit chat about wanting to be someone that most don't know me as and just jump into it. i'm disappointed of others views of me, but i encourage it. i want them to say what they mean and believe i am to be the real hard things. i'm a flake, a liar, a player, a slut, a dick, a tool, a poser, a selfish bastard, come on give it to me!! just say it.. i'm a fucking fake!!! these perceptions may be true, but if you keep looking at me through those tainted eyes that see the past and only look at me because of a fucking track record, then all i have to say is screw you. i don't need it in my life. i think more and more of how i am afraid to be alone and realizing its because i'm sitting with these thoughts tearing me down and wondering who is gonna help me up. i'm done counting on people to be there to support me. honestly, i would do just fine with a pen and paper sitting by myself. call it hiding or running or what you will, but i know at the end of the day that i'm being true to myself and thats all i need. i chuckle as i read through this because it has no structure at all to it. i say to that, "perfect" this needs no structure. its my raw emotions. just throwing up everything out and this is the first of it. more to come..