yearning for treasure

there are times in life and actions that we choose to take that we may not be proud of in that specific moment. something i wonder tho is why do we look at the initial action, and from there deem ethical or not, as opposed to how you finish? do i declare myself unethical, unmoral, unhealthy for going against a system that was set up with out my consent when really what i am doing is not all that problematic? No, selfish maybe, but selfishness comes in many shapes and colours. at times i feel bound to this "prison" that the world can be, yet certain actions that some claim are "wrong" make me feel more free than ever, untouchable, but still mortal. systems set up without my opinion are not always horrid laws that confine our bodies to not live to our full capabilities, rather they hold us back, to what the norm see as satisfactory. i'm not a criminal nor do i believe i must start a revolution to change the world in which we live. the truth of the matter is that there will always be likes and dislikes about every single detail in life, whether its presidential elections, politics within the police force, the girl of your dreams that you have been married to for 25 years, or even the type of coffee being served today at your local coffee shack. placing our efforts in dwelling in these dichotomies of likes and dislikes, not only wears our minds and souls down, but holds us from living to the full potential that the world has given us. there are many things that i do that are frowned upon by many, to these folk i plead you to look past the initial and the appearance, try to notice and understand the response, the final results or the pathway each decision, as unmoral as you believe, is on. we have the power to choose, decide, live, love, fight. lets choose to be honest, decide to never hold back, live to empower others, love all that we are given, and fight to break past the bars that bind us.

"it's a book that says the same thing almost all the other books in the world say," continued the old man. "it describes people's inability to choose their own destinies. and it ends up saying that everyone believes the world's greatest lie."

"what's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised.

"it's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. that's the world's greatest lie."

-the alchemist by paulo coelho

Lucubration i Suppose

so i went to the doctor, i've been seeing one for a little over 3 weeks now hoping that she will be able to help me balance my life by balancing the chemicals in my body. see one of the things i know for sure is i have low amounts of serotonin in my brain, which tends to cause one's emotions to be all over the place at times. usually the highs are REALLY high, the lows are REALLY low, and there tends to be no middle area, which is where i would eventually like to get. well with that said my doctor started me on some anti-depressants, in attempts to bring balance and find that middle area, but also help with my depression, anxiety, and the potential possibility of ADD. several people have said that they've seen symptoms in me, but i never thought that it was real seeing how everyone and their mom thought they had ADD simply because their minds were clouded and would hop around and what they said was weird. Rather than just accepting that they haven't trained their brain how to function to its fullest so of course it will be sporadic.

Ok back to my doctor once again, she didn't really tell me anything special, just that she wanted me to keep taking the meds for another month and then come have a follow up, with the hope that they'll start to actually help, since it usually takes about 2 weeks for them to kick in. unfortunately, my insomnia has started up again. one thing i'm learning is that if i don't eat much or at all, like yesterday, i have a very difficult time sleeping. it isn't that i'm starving myself, my nerves are just outta wack and i don't ever feel hungry. most of my problems tend to happen when i am by myself and have no other options of friends around. as soon as i started to feel crappy again, my best friend flew to New York for a show he had to play and all the other male influences went on a retreat that i wanted to go on, but had work and couldn't get covers.

i've been trying to talk to God, or what i call Ultimate Reality, but it is difficult since i don't know where i stand as far as believing in all that spiritual business. in my comparative religions course my professor asked this question on a in class assignment, "are all religions one?". first thing that pops in my head is, what is "one"? how would you define "one"? if it is meaning exactly the same, then i think even a blind man can see that that is not possible. what else could "one" mean? all religions are pointing to the same thing, freedom or liberation, maybe? ya i think that has potential, but i thought of something else. so far in the few eastern religions, primarily in asia, i've studied along with my prior knowledge of christianity and a bit on judaism, they all believe there is a problem within the world. all also believe in a solution to be reached. and finally they all think they have a way to that solution. let me try out some examples: christianity (P: sin in the world, we are fallen W-to-S: jesus christ, accepting, believing, and trying to live a life exemplifying JC S: salvation, we can all be saved by giving our lives and souls to God.) here's another one with Buddhism (P: life is circular, continuous, repetitive until we extinguish the flame, there is pain and suffering in the world, which is caused by our desires or cravings. W-to-S: the 8-fold path, or middle way, a guide to direct one to letting go of their desires in order to extinguish the flame and save them self from the pain and suffering in the world. S: experience Nirvana, nothingness, the place where you have no desires, all that exists is your soul, but you are no longer attached to it.) you see completely different beliefs in solutions and ways there, yet both can be classified as religions. so i thought of a short phrase, "religions have three parts: a problem, a solution, and a way to that solution. cultures gather together and decide on what they believe the specifics to be of these three parts." you see they are all different based on cultural differences, just like human beings, which is why we are so unique. why should our concepts on religion be any less than unique?

anyways, tonight is one of those nights where i really struggled to get 4 hrs under my pillow. i tried very hard to get to sleep, but i feel you can only drink so much "sleeptime extra" tea until your body starts to get immune to the products effects. despite what i just said i'm going to warm some more tea up and hope that it is all pyschological and i'll be able to get a few more hours under my belt. interesting side note and what i'll end this with, on dictionary.com's word of the day they choose, lucubration. their definitions of the word are: 1.The act of studying by candlelight; nocturnal study; meditation. 2. That which is composed by night; that which is produced by meditation in retirement; hence (loosely) any literary composition. the reason i found it interesting is the time in which i'm writing this, and my lack of commitment to write in over a year, yet i'm here now writing. i hope that those who read my lucubration were able to be met somewhere along this.

Word Vomit

its funny how at times it can be so difficult to get yourself to do something proactive for yourself. i've been meaning to write. no i have been writing. its like i keep a journal in my head, yet even after i jot it down i forget what i just said 5 minutes ago. i was at a concert tonight. a small one for a guy at my school, an amazing artist with a great stage personality, but its more than that. its almost like school is his stage and when he is playing he is what he seems to be. a true poet bleeding out his heart. it really inspired me to stop the chit chat about wanting to be someone that most don't know me as and just jump into it. i'm disappointed of others views of me, but i encourage it. i want them to say what they mean and believe i am to be the real hard things. i'm a flake, a liar, a player, a slut, a dick, a tool, a poser, a selfish bastard, come on give it to me!! just say it.. i'm a fucking fake!!! these perceptions may be true, but if you keep looking at me through those tainted eyes that see the past and only look at me because of a fucking track record, then all i have to say is screw you. i don't need it in my life. i think more and more of how i am afraid to be alone and realizing its because i'm sitting with these thoughts tearing me down and wondering who is gonna help me up. i'm done counting on people to be there to support me. honestly, i would do just fine with a pen and paper sitting by myself. call it hiding or running or what you will, but i know at the end of the day that i'm being true to myself and thats all i need. i chuckle as i read through this because it has no structure at all to it. i say to that, "perfect" this needs no structure. its my raw emotions. just throwing up everything out and this is the first of it. more to come..

search for purpose

"everything happens for a reason"

"i go with the flow, where ever the wind takes me"

these are ways that some people define themselves. if you are to ask them who are you? or what are you like? this is what they say.. you know what i say to that.. STUPID!!

do you not know who you are on a deeper level? i feel that that question.. "who are you?" should be easy to answer, if you really care about more than what people see. sure there are times that you go through dry spells where you don't know where you are in life, but if you are still pursuing to find the answer then that's fine. its when you don't care anymore about who you are and where you are going and when you do things that affect yourself that you don't care about that makes me shed a tear.

the past months have been tough for me. i've struggled with this question of who the hell i am several times for weeks at times. i've wanted to give up so often, but for me finding the answer is what is keeping me alive and pushing to continue to search for me. i've met many people who have this assumption of who i am. i go to a private college, so i must have money. its a christian university, so i must be a christian. i'm not poor or living on the street, so i must be happy. i'm not in jail, so i must be a good person. its people like this that make me so frustrated with where i am, people that make these damn assumptions that my life should always be good and happy and if there is a hint of doubt, thought of pain, or dream of sorrow that i need to knock it off. bullshit! if you don't know or see pain you will never know how true and special happyness truly is.

let this clear your slate when you think of me. erase all the thoughts you have about me and if you really wanna know what i'm thinking be vulnerable and open your eyes away from judgement and to understanding. i don't want empathy. i don't want you to tell me that "everything will be ok" or "recognizing is the first step". i just want you to try to understand where my position is and not to expect me to always put a smile on your face, because some of these days i'm going to fail you, as you have failed me.

to find yourself you need to find a purpose that you wish to live your life by. not by what your family thinks you should live like, or anyone else. search for yourself. don't worry about being selfish right now because its your life when it all comes down to it and if you ain't satisfied with how its going then ONLY you will feel the pain and see the darkness of the whole. search for this and in turn you will find more about who you are than you could have ever imagined.

slacking

yesterday was sunday right, and the last two years at college i've gone home to go to church, visit friends, and see my parents. i started going to the church that my parents go to when i was a junior in high school (i actually went by myself before they joined me). well lately it has no longer felt like my church, but theirs and i just go because i'm their son. i'm in this whole process of finding myself and who i want to be in my future. so i recognized that if i continue to go home every weekend i won't be able to find myself amongst all the clutter that is there.

so saturday night i decide i'm going to church by myself, but i wasn't gonna go to a church building rather go have my own alone time with God and just call it church (i haven't and right now am not gonna give much info about my beliefs and experiences with "the church" but let's just say for now, i'm not a big fan of that term). moving on, i emailed bruce schooling, the dean of the business school at point loma and he sent me one back. one thing he told me is to start finding who God is in me and to do that i should start in the gospels and learn his story. i thought what the heck i'll go for it. just before i go to bed i set up this whole plan that whenever i wake up i'll get ready and go to this starbucks in la verne that i went and hung out at a couple times my freshmen year. i'll devote a good chunk of time to God, reading, thinking, praying, and then i'll go over to utility board shop to see if there is anyone i worked with still there. then come home and blog about my experiences. pretty good plan huh!

sunday morning comes i roll outta bed (i sleep on the floor under my cousin so yes i mean this literally) and what do i do.. hop in the shower? WRONG! i jump on the love sack in the living room, turn on the tv, and play smash bros on n64 for 3 hrs!! i was soo bummed that i lacked the motivation or the discipline to follow through with the plans that i made. i lack the discipline to act on my words.

why do i need to be so motivated to schedule time for God? shouldn't me waking up in the morning be enough? right now its not enough, but hopefully one day it will be that important to me. that i won't be right to walk out my door without giving him respect. i can't see change, but i can feel it each day stirring inside me. i just don't know where that change will take me.

Finding what is True..

What do we search for throughout our lives?

Success, Love, Peace, Happiness?

What makes each of those so special or feel so good,

to the point where we only look for them?

Without Failure, Success would not be as important.

Without Pain, Love would not be as comforting.

Without Violence, Peace would not feel as safe.

Without Sadness, Happiness would be bland.

Yet without all of these there would be no SMILES.

Hold on to the moments of Success,

the feelings of Love, the idea of Peace,

and the memories that make you Happy.

So when those times of Failure, Pain, Violence, and Sadness come,

you can fall back and remember...

Life will get BETTER. Knowing is half the battle!

The other half...

well you have to fight for that half!

So go out and fight for the BETTER days!