yearning for treasure

there are times in life and actions that we choose to take that we may not be proud of in that specific moment. something i wonder tho is why do we look at the initial action, and from there deem ethical or not, as opposed to how you finish? do i declare myself unethical, unmoral, unhealthy for going against a system that was set up with out my consent when really what i am doing is not all that problematic? No, selfish maybe, but selfishness comes in many shapes and colours. at times i feel bound to this "prison" that the world can be, yet certain actions that some claim are "wrong" make me feel more free than ever, untouchable, but still mortal. systems set up without my opinion are not always horrid laws that confine our bodies to not live to our full capabilities, rather they hold us back, to what the norm see as satisfactory. i'm not a criminal nor do i believe i must start a revolution to change the world in which we live. the truth of the matter is that there will always be likes and dislikes about every single detail in life, whether its presidential elections, politics within the police force, the girl of your dreams that you have been married to for 25 years, or even the type of coffee being served today at your local coffee shack. placing our efforts in dwelling in these dichotomies of likes and dislikes, not only wears our minds and souls down, but holds us from living to the full potential that the world has given us. there are many things that i do that are frowned upon by many, to these folk i plead you to look past the initial and the appearance, try to notice and understand the response, the final results or the pathway each decision, as unmoral as you believe, is on. we have the power to choose, decide, live, love, fight. lets choose to be honest, decide to never hold back, live to empower others, love all that we are given, and fight to break past the bars that bind us.

"it's a book that says the same thing almost all the other books in the world say," continued the old man. "it describes people's inability to choose their own destinies. and it ends up saying that everyone believes the world's greatest lie."

"what's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised.

"it's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. that's the world's greatest lie."

-the alchemist by paulo coelho

Lucubration i Suppose

so i went to the doctor, i've been seeing one for a little over 3 weeks now hoping that she will be able to help me balance my life by balancing the chemicals in my body. see one of the things i know for sure is i have low amounts of serotonin in my brain, which tends to cause one's emotions to be all over the place at times. usually the highs are REALLY high, the lows are REALLY low, and there tends to be no middle area, which is where i would eventually like to get. well with that said my doctor started me on some anti-depressants, in attempts to bring balance and find that middle area, but also help with my depression, anxiety, and the potential possibility of ADD. several people have said that they've seen symptoms in me, but i never thought that it was real seeing how everyone and their mom thought they had ADD simply because their minds were clouded and would hop around and what they said was weird. Rather than just accepting that they haven't trained their brain how to function to its fullest so of course it will be sporadic.

Ok back to my doctor once again, she didn't really tell me anything special, just that she wanted me to keep taking the meds for another month and then come have a follow up, with the hope that they'll start to actually help, since it usually takes about 2 weeks for them to kick in. unfortunately, my insomnia has started up again. one thing i'm learning is that if i don't eat much or at all, like yesterday, i have a very difficult time sleeping. it isn't that i'm starving myself, my nerves are just outta wack and i don't ever feel hungry. most of my problems tend to happen when i am by myself and have no other options of friends around. as soon as i started to feel crappy again, my best friend flew to New York for a show he had to play and all the other male influences went on a retreat that i wanted to go on, but had work and couldn't get covers.

i've been trying to talk to God, or what i call Ultimate Reality, but it is difficult since i don't know where i stand as far as believing in all that spiritual business. in my comparative religions course my professor asked this question on a in class assignment, "are all religions one?". first thing that pops in my head is, what is "one"? how would you define "one"? if it is meaning exactly the same, then i think even a blind man can see that that is not possible. what else could "one" mean? all religions are pointing to the same thing, freedom or liberation, maybe? ya i think that has potential, but i thought of something else. so far in the few eastern religions, primarily in asia, i've studied along with my prior knowledge of christianity and a bit on judaism, they all believe there is a problem within the world. all also believe in a solution to be reached. and finally they all think they have a way to that solution. let me try out some examples: christianity (P: sin in the world, we are fallen W-to-S: jesus christ, accepting, believing, and trying to live a life exemplifying JC S: salvation, we can all be saved by giving our lives and souls to God.) here's another one with Buddhism (P: life is circular, continuous, repetitive until we extinguish the flame, there is pain and suffering in the world, which is caused by our desires or cravings. W-to-S: the 8-fold path, or middle way, a guide to direct one to letting go of their desires in order to extinguish the flame and save them self from the pain and suffering in the world. S: experience Nirvana, nothingness, the place where you have no desires, all that exists is your soul, but you are no longer attached to it.) you see completely different beliefs in solutions and ways there, yet both can be classified as religions. so i thought of a short phrase, "religions have three parts: a problem, a solution, and a way to that solution. cultures gather together and decide on what they believe the specifics to be of these three parts." you see they are all different based on cultural differences, just like human beings, which is why we are so unique. why should our concepts on religion be any less than unique?

anyways, tonight is one of those nights where i really struggled to get 4 hrs under my pillow. i tried very hard to get to sleep, but i feel you can only drink so much "sleeptime extra" tea until your body starts to get immune to the products effects. despite what i just said i'm going to warm some more tea up and hope that it is all pyschological and i'll be able to get a few more hours under my belt. interesting side note and what i'll end this with, on dictionary.com's word of the day they choose, lucubration. their definitions of the word are: 1.The act of studying by candlelight; nocturnal study; meditation. 2. That which is composed by night; that which is produced by meditation in retirement; hence (loosely) any literary composition. the reason i found it interesting is the time in which i'm writing this, and my lack of commitment to write in over a year, yet i'm here now writing. i hope that those who read my lucubration were able to be met somewhere along this.