search for purpose

"everything happens for a reason"

"i go with the flow, where ever the wind takes me"

these are ways that some people define themselves. if you are to ask them who are you? or what are you like? this is what they say.. you know what i say to that.. STUPID!!

do you not know who you are on a deeper level? i feel that that question.. "who are you?" should be easy to answer, if you really care about more than what people see. sure there are times that you go through dry spells where you don't know where you are in life, but if you are still pursuing to find the answer then that's fine. its when you don't care anymore about who you are and where you are going and when you do things that affect yourself that you don't care about that makes me shed a tear.

the past months have been tough for me. i've struggled with this question of who the hell i am several times for weeks at times. i've wanted to give up so often, but for me finding the answer is what is keeping me alive and pushing to continue to search for me. i've met many people who have this assumption of who i am. i go to a private college, so i must have money. its a christian university, so i must be a christian. i'm not poor or living on the street, so i must be happy. i'm not in jail, so i must be a good person. its people like this that make me so frustrated with where i am, people that make these damn assumptions that my life should always be good and happy and if there is a hint of doubt, thought of pain, or dream of sorrow that i need to knock it off. bullshit! if you don't know or see pain you will never know how true and special happyness truly is.

let this clear your slate when you think of me. erase all the thoughts you have about me and if you really wanna know what i'm thinking be vulnerable and open your eyes away from judgement and to understanding. i don't want empathy. i don't want you to tell me that "everything will be ok" or "recognizing is the first step". i just want you to try to understand where my position is and not to expect me to always put a smile on your face, because some of these days i'm going to fail you, as you have failed me.

to find yourself you need to find a purpose that you wish to live your life by. not by what your family thinks you should live like, or anyone else. search for yourself. don't worry about being selfish right now because its your life when it all comes down to it and if you ain't satisfied with how its going then ONLY you will feel the pain and see the darkness of the whole. search for this and in turn you will find more about who you are than you could have ever imagined.

slacking

yesterday was sunday right, and the last two years at college i've gone home to go to church, visit friends, and see my parents. i started going to the church that my parents go to when i was a junior in high school (i actually went by myself before they joined me). well lately it has no longer felt like my church, but theirs and i just go because i'm their son. i'm in this whole process of finding myself and who i want to be in my future. so i recognized that if i continue to go home every weekend i won't be able to find myself amongst all the clutter that is there.

so saturday night i decide i'm going to church by myself, but i wasn't gonna go to a church building rather go have my own alone time with God and just call it church (i haven't and right now am not gonna give much info about my beliefs and experiences with "the church" but let's just say for now, i'm not a big fan of that term). moving on, i emailed bruce schooling, the dean of the business school at point loma and he sent me one back. one thing he told me is to start finding who God is in me and to do that i should start in the gospels and learn his story. i thought what the heck i'll go for it. just before i go to bed i set up this whole plan that whenever i wake up i'll get ready and go to this starbucks in la verne that i went and hung out at a couple times my freshmen year. i'll devote a good chunk of time to God, reading, thinking, praying, and then i'll go over to utility board shop to see if there is anyone i worked with still there. then come home and blog about my experiences. pretty good plan huh!

sunday morning comes i roll outta bed (i sleep on the floor under my cousin so yes i mean this literally) and what do i do.. hop in the shower? WRONG! i jump on the love sack in the living room, turn on the tv, and play smash bros on n64 for 3 hrs!! i was soo bummed that i lacked the motivation or the discipline to follow through with the plans that i made. i lack the discipline to act on my words.

why do i need to be so motivated to schedule time for God? shouldn't me waking up in the morning be enough? right now its not enough, but hopefully one day it will be that important to me. that i won't be right to walk out my door without giving him respect. i can't see change, but i can feel it each day stirring inside me. i just don't know where that change will take me.

Finding what is True..

What do we search for throughout our lives?

Success, Love, Peace, Happiness?

What makes each of those so special or feel so good,

to the point where we only look for them?

Without Failure, Success would not be as important.

Without Pain, Love would not be as comforting.

Without Violence, Peace would not feel as safe.

Without Sadness, Happiness would be bland.

Yet without all of these there would be no SMILES.

Hold on to the moments of Success,

the feelings of Love, the idea of Peace,

and the memories that make you Happy.

So when those times of Failure, Pain, Violence, and Sadness come,

you can fall back and remember...

Life will get BETTER. Knowing is half the battle!

The other half...

well you have to fight for that half!

So go out and fight for the BETTER days!